Tag Archives: finding yourself

Fred n Stacy; Forgetting the Past

I must confess: my guilty-pleasure show is Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime.¬† I have liked that show since its inception, and unfortunately, since I no longer have cable television, I have to wait for new seasons to be released on Netflix before I can indulge. On the plus side, it also means I can sit for hours watching the entire season in the course of a few days, housework be damned. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the latest season, #4, was released this week for my watch-instantly viewing pleasure.

Before I continue, first a little background for those who might be unfamiliar with the show: Fred and Stacy are two loveable¬†characters who were in a relationship together. Fred was the heroine’s guardian angel, and Stacy is her best friend. At the beginning of Season 4, we find out that through a series of unfortunate events, Fred tells Stacy that he’s an angel and must now go back to Heaven.

Now, back to what I was wanting to say: While Stacy is heartbroken over Fred leaving, he tells her that she will forget ever knowing him. It has to be that way because no one can know he’s an angel. In fact, everyone but the heroine forgets Fred ever existed.

While I was watching this, I couldn’t help but wonder if that option had been given to me if I would’ve taken it. What if, when we break up with someone, we had the capability to forget they ever existed? To be honest, when my ex-husband and I had first separated, I definitely wished I could forget. The emotional anguish was so intense that I had wished for anything to take it away.

As I was pondering the ramifications of forgetting one’s romantic past, I realized something: forgetting not only would relieve the pain I was feeling, but it also would mean that all the lessons I had learned during that relationship and break-up would be lost. Lessons I’d learned about myself and how I react to various stimuli; lessons about healthy/unhealthy relationship conduct; lessons about cohabitation and compromise; they all would’ve vanished along with the pain.

If forgetting was an actual possibility, humans would forever be in a loop of bad decisions/bad relationships/forgetting everything. How we grow, how we move on in life, is because we take what has happened in the past and we learn from it.

I’m glad, now, that I wasn’t able to make that 25 year-old new mom forget all about the man who broke her heart. What I have learned from it and life is far too valuable to me now.

-Rene A.

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How do I get over being a bad guy picker?

“I seem to pick guys that I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with. The reasoning is they can’t reject me if I would never have a long term relationship with them in the first place. Help.” -Samantha Stone from Newton Falls

“Even though your question is, “How do I get over being a bad guy picker?” I think you addressed the problem already by realizing you have a fear of rejection, yes? So that question seems answered: you choose guys that you can reject, in case they reject you.

“Seems, then, that looking at that fear of rejection would be a good step in the direction of choosing a man who is worthy of you.

“So, face the fear. Face the possibility of being rejected. Let yourself feel that pain. Decide if it’s something you can walk through again.
Begin to live in the truth that you may very well be rejected again, and accept that reality. Will it be as devastating as it was in the past? Will you survive it?

“When your heart is ready for this, it is ready to love again. Because love is always a risk. But, living without love….that’s not much of a choice.” -Lara B.

“When I was a teen, I used to practice flirting on less-than-attractive guys. Shallow, I know. But my reasoning behind it was that if they rejected the flirtation, then it wouldn’t matter so much to me because I wasn’t attracted to them anyways.

“I think when there’s the fear of being left again looming over you, it can make you do things that don’t seem to make sense. You have already completed one of the most important steps in moving forward: you know what your problem is, and you know why you have it. Now, you just need to know how to get out of that bad-relationship cycle.

“Find yourself first! Know what makes you tick, what personalities mesh well with yours, then look for a guy who has what you need. Ask yourself “why?” a lot. Why do you react a certain way to certain stimuli? Why does this or that make you happy or sad? As you figure out the answers to these questions, you will start to know yourself better than you thought possible. What happens if you find things out about yourself that you don’t really like? Realize you are human and give yourself time to improve if that is what you wish to do.

“Most importantly, never factor the future into it; just live one day at a time. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t prepare for your future well-being, but that you should prepare for it as if you remain single for the rest of your life. Even if you find another Mr. Wonderful, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to be in your life forever. There’s a whole host of things that separates couples aside from divorce, but I really don’t want to get too much into “morbid” territory” right now. -Rene A.