Tag Archives: disfunctional dating

I am ready for a relationship…

“…the kind that will turn into marriage. I seem to draw men that aren’t available emotionally to commit to that kind of relationship. How do I stop drawing them?”-P.M.P.

“It sounds like you are meeting men in venues where they get to see your pretty face, but not much else. If you want to meet a man who cares about your heart, then you need to be in an environment where you will meet those kind of men. I’m talking about daily life: neighborhoods, communities, churches, workplaces. When they see you interacting with your children they will be able to observe your sweetness, your skills, and all your beautiful qualities. Then they will be attracted to you beyond the surface beauty you obviously have. Be friendly, neighborly, come out of your shell. Smile, make eye contact. Talk. If they are still drawn to you after doing daily life with you, then you know they are ready.” -Lara B.

“I am tired of being the person it takes for them to realize they aren’t available. (I call them stepping stones.) How do I recognize that ahead of time so I can avoid it?”

“You want to look for signs of a “ready guy”. The ones you’re describing seem to want the companionship of a relationship without doing any of the work that a relationship requires.  This is immature.  A mature man will show signs of respect towards women.

For instance, when you are chatting/talking to him late at night and say that you need to get some sleep, does he bid you farewell right away or does he try to keep the conversation going?  Does he respect your choices and decisions, or does he seem to always try to convince you to choose/do something he wants?  When you set a boundary, does he keep it or does he try to push it?

Find a man who respects you, and chances are, you will find a man who is ready for a relationship.” -Rene A.

Commentary:

When I started dating again after my ex left, I noticed a strange, unwelcome pattern in my relationships. After a guy and I would break up, he would find “his one”. Talk about feeling like the wrong kind of good-luck charm! I eventually gave up on relationships altogether thinking I was just meant to stay single.Single-hood lasted for about a year, and I was finally able to heal emotionally from my divorce.

Entering into a new relationship as a whole person is an entirely different ballgame. I respected myself more and was able to create and enforce vital boundaries. Now, while I still don’t want to get married ever again,  I have been in a healthy relationship for over a year now. That may not sound like a big deal to most, but for me, as I look back on how things used to be? It’s amazing progress.

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How do I get over being a bad guy picker?

“I seem to pick guys that I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with. The reasoning is they can’t reject me if I would never have a long term relationship with them in the first place. Help.” -Samantha Stone from Newton Falls

“Even though your question is, “How do I get over being a bad guy picker?” I think you addressed the problem already by realizing you have a fear of rejection, yes? So that question seems answered: you choose guys that you can reject, in case they reject you.

“Seems, then, that looking at that fear of rejection would be a good step in the direction of choosing a man who is worthy of you.

“So, face the fear. Face the possibility of being rejected. Let yourself feel that pain. Decide if it’s something you can walk through again.
Begin to live in the truth that you may very well be rejected again, and accept that reality. Will it be as devastating as it was in the past? Will you survive it?

“When your heart is ready for this, it is ready to love again. Because love is always a risk. But, living without love….that’s not much of a choice.” -Lara B.

“When I was a teen, I used to practice flirting on less-than-attractive guys. Shallow, I know. But my reasoning behind it was that if they rejected the flirtation, then it wouldn’t matter so much to me because I wasn’t attracted to them anyways.

“I think when there’s the fear of being left again looming over you, it can make you do things that don’t seem to make sense. You have already completed one of the most important steps in moving forward: you know what your problem is, and you know why you have it. Now, you just need to know how to get out of that bad-relationship cycle.

“Find yourself first! Know what makes you tick, what personalities mesh well with yours, then look for a guy who has what you need. Ask yourself “why?” a lot. Why do you react a certain way to certain stimuli? Why does this or that make you happy or sad? As you figure out the answers to these questions, you will start to know yourself better than you thought possible. What happens if you find things out about yourself that you don’t really like? Realize you are human and give yourself time to improve if that is what you wish to do.

“Most importantly, never factor the future into it; just live one day at a time. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t prepare for your future well-being, but that you should prepare for it as if you remain single for the rest of your life. Even if you find another Mr. Wonderful, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to be in your life forever. There’s a whole host of things that separates couples aside from divorce, but I really don’t want to get too much into “morbid” territory” right now. -Rene A.